I was going through an old box of school stuff yesterday and I came across a couple Language Arts projects that I saved from my Freshman and Sophomore years. We had to write a personal statement of sorts as an intro to these projects...and apparently I had a change of heart and mind over the summer between 9th and 10th grade. "I decided I didn't want to study that hard and go to school that long." hahaha. I mean, I guess I wish I had trusted 16 yr old me. But instead I went with 15 yr old me. Who trusts the heart of a little Freshman girl? Dang it.
Right now I really really wish I would have changed my heart and mind for good that year. I am about 4 weeks away from the bar exam and every day I more seriously consider quitting and not going through with this whole thing. It's terrible. I feel defeated and completely incapable of passing this thing. Practice exams don't ever go well...and it's definitely not getting better with time. I know many of you that know me well are probably rolling your eyes and thinking I'm being dramatic because I'll "pull it out in the end," or that I "have nothing to worry about." But this is the worst I've ever felt about something in my life. Like, I don't even want to be an attorney anymore. My 16 yr-old self didn't even consider this part! I was only worried about studying and length of schooling. Oh...how cute.
I can say, though, that I think it's adorable that I accomplished all of my goals from when I was a wee little tot. Seriously, I can't remember ever wanting to be anything but an attorney (except I apparently wanted to be a stay-at-home mom for a sec...cute). As I read through my projects, there were two things that I wrote about consistently concerning my future: I was going to play college volleyball on scholarship, and I was going to go to law school. CHECK!! Man, I need to write more about my goals these days and maybe they will happen. I should write a personal statement talking about passing this dang bar exam. Maybe that will make it happen. Because, at this point, that's the only thing that's gonna work.
This summer blows. Pray for me.
Don't worry cuz. You'll pull it out in the end. You have nothing to worry about.
ReplyDeleteIf it makes you feel any better I did not pass a single practice exam leading up to the bar...I had some pretty serious doubts too, like how I was going to pay back student loans as a waitress. I would tell you it will be fine, but I know that irritated the beejeezus out of me when people said that, because , "WHAT IF I'M NOT!?!" But, if it doesn't work out the first time, there's always February. :) Thinking about you!
ReplyDeleteyou are incredible and i have complete faith in you! i will pray for you anyway, but you got this! also, let's definitely be friends in real life when this is all over for you :)
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