Oh, To Be A Woman

Let me start off by saying I enjoy and respect the men I work with. They’re great people, great attorneys, and just the nicest they come. They respect me and treat me with great professionalism. I simply use this story as an illustration of the world and the societal norms around us, and not as a criticism of the individuals involved. So, then, if respectable, nice people can be unintentionally ignorant of women’s inequality issues, then how are we going to change anything? These are the people we all hope would take a stand or be more aware of what they say to or how they treat women. It could be my own dad, my own brother, anyone really. It concerns me when I see that no one is immune from playing into gender stereotypes and naturally using jokes or comments to separate men from women. Especially when they have no idea that they are doing so. I think maybe the problem is that "feminists" often talk about the inequality and discrimination females experience, but don’t often enough share how it manifested itself. It’s not just about being paid the same or being offered the same jobs. Maybe men/people don’t understand when things are offensive because we talk about being offended, but not always about why. Well, I’m going to try to explain why...

In my firm there are three male partners, myself (the only associate and only female attorney), two female secretaries, and one female receptionist. Yesterday, a secretary pointed out that I could ride to firm lunch with the assistants/girls, or go with the attorneys/boys. I was right in the middle….either I ride with the three women because I’m a woman and I enjoy chatting with them, or I ride with the three men because I’m an attorney and I enjoy working with them. I made a comment that if we ever had to vote on something, I would be the “swing vote.” I either side with my fellow women, or I side with my fellow attorneys. One of the men made the comment, “Well, if you did ever have to vote, you would only have, like, a 3/5 vote.” I, probably unfairly, became annoyed because he was, unintentionally, comparing me to the “all other Persons” that were owned and only given 3/5 vote back in the day, even though he was likely only referring to his partner status and the fact that they are the bosses. After a follow-up comment that the fractional vote was part of history, I replied with my charming sarcasm that it was 2015 and I thought I probably deserved more than that. I climbed into the car with my fellow women. When we arrived at the restaurant, I reiterated that I did not need a history lesson about suffrage. That was not the point.

We went about our day and it never came up again. For some reason, though, I kept thinking about it that night and on my way to work this morning. I replayed all the times in my year and a half as an attorney that people have assumed I’m a secretary or paralegal. I couldn't count on two hands. I am not in any way diminishing the role of secretary or paralegal, but the fact that people assume I am one because I’m a young woman is ridiculous. I also had a classmate mention once in passing that I was probably getting more second-interviews and follow-ups in my job search than some of my classmates because I was a “pretty girl.” I know he meant it to be a compliment, but it only discredited everything I had done and accomplished in my academic career. I paid money and worked hard for my law school degree and my license to practice. I have the same J.D. that men have, and I probably accomplished more in law school than many of them did. I passed the same bar exam and have the same piece of paper that allows me to practice. The fact that my name gives me away as a female, or that I have a higher voice on the phone should not change the amount of respect I receive.

I worked myself up as I thought about all of these things on my way to work because I just don’t see things changing. Not too long ago, I spoke with opposing counsel for a case on the phone, and he told me that his wife and daughter were both attorneys, so I “wasn't dealing with someone that disrespects female attorneys.” For a split second I was appreciative of this older man for being aware of the problem, but then my appreciation changed to disappointment because the fact that he had to make a point of that was degrading in itself. The statement separated him from me because I am a woman. Even though he thought he was leveling the playing field, he was really only acknowledging that there is a difference between us. It shouldn't be a matter of changing the way you treat me because I’m a woman, you should just treat me the same because I’m opposing counsel and a fellow attorney.

I guess I’m just waiting for jokes or comments about women to be as offensive as racist jokes and comments. While I do not AT ALL pretend to even begin to understand the struggles that those of different races face, I also can’t ignore the similarities in the struggles that women have faced and continue to face every day. I can almost guarantee that someone would not make a joke about a lesser vote to a black employee, intentionally or unintentionally. The man on the phone would not have told a black attorney that it was okay because his wife and daughter were black, so there would be no mistreatment. Those jokes/comments would have been offensive in that context. So why were these situations “okay” in the context of gender?

The saddest thing about all of this? I hesitate to "complain" about this because I don’t want to be the “emotionally unstable, overreacting woman.” The biggest problem with the gender equality movement is that half the people in the world roll their eyes at women who take a stand and are assertive, and the other half roll their eyes at women who are submissive or emotional. We just can’t win! I can’t be assertive about something because it is disrespectful for a woman to do so, but commendable for a man; and I can’t react emotionally because it is an overreaction, or it’s too submissive and shrugged off because I’ll “eventually get over it.” Whether I’m assertive or emotional, it’s going to be looked at as a dramatic response. But why is anyone rolling their eyes at all? I shouldn't have to or want to distance myself from my own gender's character traits. I just want to be allowed to work where I want to work, feel how I want to feel, communicate how I want to communicate, and I want that to be okay with everyone. I don’t want people to make it okay, I just want it to be okay.

A little Ruth Bader Ginsburg quote to summarize:
“So now the perception is, yes, women are here to stay. And when I’m sometimes asked when will there be enough [women on the Supreme Court]? And I say when there are nine, people are shocked. But there’d been nine men, and nobody’s ever raised a question about that."

UPDATE:  As I mentioned in my facebook post, I read this article a day or two after I wrote this blog post: 

https://nerdist.com/yes-jeremy-renner-and-chris-evans-black-widow-comments-are-problematic/

The article ultimately makes the same point: that Jeremy and Chris (yes, we're on a first name basis) aren't bad guys, they just made comments that are commonly accepted and didn't think twice about it. And what do we do about that?